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| 5/30/2005 |
| Gallon Challenge Backstory: Adam Roberts |
A Movie Review
by Wes Bennett
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FAILURE, OBSESSION AND REDEMPTION: THE ADAM ROBERTS STORY.
I-The Morning of Truth.
Adam gazed into the mirror as beads of sweat dripped slowly off his forehead. He knew that his entire life had come down to what was going to take place in just thirteen hours, seven minutes and 23 seconds. The eyes that looked back at him were one of a desperate man, one who would do anything.
Adam tried to control his breathing, though his heart was almost out of control. He had just finished an hour of spirited tai-chi and movement exercises. Adam noticed the alarm read 2:03 in the morning as he set it for 5:04.
There was almost no use in trying to sleep. He had been waiting for this game for what seemed like years. A win would give him the thing he craved the most in this life: redemption. In only a few short hours, the smothering feeling that haunted him all his life would finally be erased: the feeling of failure.
Adam tossed and turned for most of the night. No sooner than he had fallen asleep, he found himself in the deep clutches of a frightenly realistic nightmare. Adam, wearing his headband and cleats, spasmed and moaned, as his sweaty, white hands clutched his frisbee tighter and tighter.
Shortly after five, as the guitar cords of Survivor’s “Eye of The Tiger” began to echo throughout his room, Adam smashed the alarm with his bare fist and leaped out of bed screaming to the heavens, with his hands raised. It was go time.
Adam ran to the fridge and cracked seven raw eggs into a large glass. Ten minutes later he was racing down the streets of Athens toward the intramural fields, reinforcing his morale by repeating inspirational quotes and phrases to himself over and over again.
Armed with only a backpack full of nutritional supplements, pills, various energy bars and a frisbee, Adam had a detailed schedule of exercises and calisthenics planned out until the game at 3 o’clock, the game which he knew, deep down would change everything...
II-A Father’s Lesson.
Adam Eugene Roberts was born a small, sickly child. Almost a month and half premature, his parents were told that he would struggle to live a normal life.
Growing up, there always seemed to be a conflict between Adam’s Father James and his Mother Grace. On one hand Grace was always there for Adam, picking him up when he would fall, wiping his nose when it got dirty and comforting him every time he would whimper.
But Adam’s Father could see where this was leading and had to make a decision about what kind of future he wanted for his son:
a sickly, feeble momma’s boy who wasn’t allowed to go outside for fear of catching a cold. Pale, shaking and pathetic-
or
a powerful, resolute young man who would claw his way out of the darkness, inch by inch, and build himself up, into a barrel chested adventurer. Robust, determined and strong.
His son was at a crossroads and it was up to him to take matters into his own hands, because he knew, that although young Adam was born with undersized lungs and kidneys, he had a massive heart. He alone understood what needed to be done.
When Grace would go out on errands, James began to secretly train Adam. Armed with only two tiny, metal braces, Adam would haul himself around the house until he could barely move from exhaustion. But it wasn’t enough.
Adam was barely four years old and his health was steadily declining. James knew Adam needed to be taught a lesson that he would never, ever forget, or else he would die.
James put Adam in the car and drove him deep into the forest.
He carried Adam miles into the woods and sat him down on the ground with his two tiny, metal braces.
“Son, you know I love you more than anything else in the world. But there comes a time when we have to make choices. We have to do, what’s right, even if it hurts, because in the end, it will make things better. I had to make that choice when I brought you here. And now you have to make a choice.”
James took a deep breath
“I’ll be back at the car. If you can’t get there by the end of the day, I’m going to leave you in these woods to die.”
Adam was scared and started to cry, “Daddy no. Help me.”
“Son, please. If you love me, you will make it to the car. This life is not easy. You will try to do things and you will fail, but you’ve got to get back up and keep going -or else you will be left alone in the dark.”
Walking away from Adam was the hardest thing James had ever done.
Almost 11 hours later, a sweaty Adam came struggling though the brush, bloody and covered in mud. As soon as he saw his father he collapsed in complete exhaustion. James hugged his son and cried tears of happiness and relief.
Some would say what James Roberts did was wrong, but he was certain of one thing: life for his son would always be an uphill battle. Adam had to know that he was never allowed to give up, for nothing of value is easy, that its ok to fail when attempting something great. The only real failure in life is giving up.
In the end, all the training and struggling that Adam would face throughout his life, would never be as hard as those two miles in the dark...
Part III: The Need for Redemption.
There was one other incident in his childhood, that would haunt Adam for years afterwards.
It was the last day of gym class in 3rd grade, May 15th 1992. Jed Bunner, the balding, overly aggressive gym teacher, had decided to organize a two on two basketball tournament.
It was common knowledge to everyone that Bunner had essentially gone crazy thirteen years ago after the football team lost a state championship because of a botched extra point. The next year he was banned from varsity football competition after he dropped his pants and began crawling around the field in an attempt to motivate the team.
Ever since then, he entertained himself by designing elaborate competitions and tournaments within the class while keeping meticulously detailed stats. Bunner would spend hours and hours painstakingly researching and ranking every player, in every position in every sport.
Bunner decided he would offer a number of lucrative prizes to the winners, in order to whip the children into a competitive frenzy.
These prizes included a football signed by Bernie Kosar, a set of Transformers, a Micro machine, a basketball autographed by Kurt Rambis, a Color Me Badd cassette, a Walkman, a Laserdisc of The Vanilla Ice feature, “Cool As Ice” and a Pogo ball.
As Bunner unveiled the prizes, the class began screaming and cheering. An aura of madness slowly begin to spread amongst the boys as they salivated over the incredible prizes.
The only question would be how the teams were divided.
Coach Bunner had spent the past two days working out an elaborate teaming system, based on the previous week’s scrimmages, in which the best athlete would be paired with the worst while the second worst would be paired with the second best and the third best with the third worst. etc. etc.
Since Adam was dead last in basketball, (as he was in every sport except for badminton, in which he was 38th because of Tom “Sticky Fingers” Jackson, who had broke both his arms when he slipped off the bleachers), he was paired with “Mean” Tom Jacker, perhaps the most dominant athlete in Carver Middle School Gym class history.
The problem was, Jacker wasn’t good because he was particularly skilled, he was good because he was big. He had been held back four times. Tom was fifty pounds heavier and six inches taller than everyone else in school. Tom was one of the dumbest, meanest kids you could ever meet.
Tom had a routine each day. He would walk down the hall and hold out his hand collecting lunch money from no less than 15 of the school’s bigger nerds. The last kid who had refused, Mark “Too Tall” Delaney, had actually been forced to drink a cup and a half of his own urine.
Tom took Adam aside, grabbed him by his shirt and pushed him against the wall. Adam was slowly lifted up higher and higher against the wall until his eyes were locked directly into Tom’s intense stare.
“I want that Color Me Bad Album. Do you hear me Roberts? If you screw this up, I will screw YOU up -forever.”
The catchy hooks and lyrics, combined with the soft vocal harmonies and smooth R & B rhythms of the newly formed pop group, had caused Jacker to get a rather crazy look in his eye.
It was everything Adam could do not to lose control of his bowels. He had been without his metal braces for only a year and a half, but he hoped that with his intense motivation and drive, winning would not be a problem.
All day Adam played with a lot of intensity, diving for loose balls, screaming, throwing his frail body around in order to crash the boards, but it was of no use.
Tripping with the ball, double dribbling, falling down, air balls, inability to play defense, seizures, hyperventilating -it all happened. Not even the fanatical bullying and death threats from the massive Jacker could help overcome Adam’s incompetent play.
So comical were the skills of Adam, that a crowd of spectators would gather every time he would compete. Coach Bunner went as far to say that Adam was the worst athlete he had ever seen.
Meanwhile with every defeat, Tom was growing more and more disgruntled. Adam’s fate was all but sealed.
Immediately after class, Jacker put Parker “Lewis” Gavin, of the winning team, in a vice-like headlock, until he agreed to give up the prized Color Me Badd cassette.
As Jacker walked away with both the walkman and the cassette tape, Adam thought that maybe he was in the clear, but he was wrong.
All day Adam had watched the clock, counting the minutes until summer vacation. He excused himself at 3:23, just seven short minutes until the bell and made his way to the bathroom.
After zipping his pants, Adam turned around at the exact moment when Jacker appeared.
Adam tried to remain calm, but Tom didn’t look very happy. “Hey there Tom. I saw you got that cassette tape. That’s great.”
Tom began to slowly walk towards Adam. “I DID have that cassette tape. That is, until I got busted by The Bunner.”
Tom took out a switchblade and a pair of brass knuckles.
“He sent me to principal Janny. Principal Janny doesn’t like me too much.”
Adam started to walk backwards. When he tripped and fell down, his hand landed in a pool of dirty water underneath the urinal.
“You know this was the first year that I was actually going to pass 3rd grade.”
Adam swallowed hard. “What happened Tom?”
“Janny just expelled me.”
Tom bent over and picked up Adam by the neck.
“Now, I’m going to expel YOU.”
You could hear muffled screaming outside in the hallway.
The bell rang at 3:30. Doors all the way down the hall exploded as children came running out, screaming with happiness and throwing their hands up with pure joy. It was at time of great celebration and mirth. Enemies were hugging, girls and boys were kissing, grudges were forgotten and debts forgiven. Books were burned, teachers insulted, papers trampled and pencils broken. There would not be a day of school for almost three months.
It was truly a great day for every child.
Every child except for one.
Most kids stopped and stared in horror, others just laughed, a few cried and some didn’t notice.
Staggering down the hallway was a figure whose head had been completely mummified in duct tape. His hands were taped to his head. Other than a pair of socks, he was completely nude.
The figure walked back and forth with increasing speed. Pretty soon it began running, slamming into walls and lockers.
All the students were too shocked to do anything.
The mummified, nude figure finally made it outside into a parking lot full of horrified parents.
One of the bravest Fathers, grabbed him and begin to slowly unwrap his head. An enormous crowd gathered around the boy to see who the tragic figure was. Every was child was waiting to laugh, every parent was praying to God it wasn’t theirs.
When the last of the tape was removed, Adam was able to cover his genitals, but not his shame. “Penis” had been written on his forehead.
It was with a quiet disgrace that Adam was helped to his Mom’s car. It was the longest ride home of his life.
Several years later, shortly before his 16th birthday, Tom would be thrown in jail for sexually assaulting a comatose 57 year old woman in a nursing home.
PART III: The Rising.
One would have assumed that the events of Adam’s childhood would have created a lifelong aversion to sports, that this would make a person vow to never set foot inside a gymnasium or sporting arena ever again. Instead this created an insatiable appetite for redemption- a redemption that could only come through victory against all odds.
Combined with a determination never to quit anything, circumstances had combined to create an athlete, who although extremely untalented, was without question, the most motivated any coach had ever seen or heard of.
Over the years, Adam was repeatedly beaten in every sport he attempted including: tennis, baseball, basketball, football, hockey, lacrosse, wrestling, archery, arm-wrestling, bocee ball, bowling, cricket and kickball.
Adam cost team after team dozens of victories and experienced more humiliation and traumatic events than ten men should ever experience in a lifetime. But the abuse only managed to strengthen his already iron resolve, giving Adam an even more superhuman drive.
Each defeat would conjure up vivid memories of that day in the forest and the lesson that quitting is the worst thing a man could do. Adam figured if he had ever started quitting, he would have been left in the forest, a pale, sickly, pathetic child left for dead -and he was not about to start now.
The overwhelming feeling of failure would haunt him for years, but he knew, the only way the feeling could ever be erased was by winning and that quitting would only seal his fate forever.
He began amazingly ambitious training regimens that included memorizing chapters of Schwarzenegger’s Encyclopedia of Bodybuilding, buying every kind of supplement, pill, herb, balm, powder and cream out of sports catalogues and GNC, purchasing hand-strengthener, bizarre ab and back machines, nordic tracks, endless push-ups, sit-ups, endlessly viewing inspiration sports films and athletic infomercials, while having absolutely no interest in regular pursuits like cartoons, comic books, parties, women, beer, television, books or ice cream.
Adam found that his drive and motivation could not be equaled, therefore sports that required relatively large volumes of training with almost no emphasis on physical talent or coordination such as running and swimming were ideal.
Adam was quickly becoming a very serious, intense young man with very limited interests. But, little by little his physical health became better and better, eventually resembling that of an average person, then above average, then stronger and still stronger.
Adam was actually becoming marginally successful in his pursuits, but was never able to achieve the kind of definitive victory for which he could claim redemption.
It was generally agreed upon by every one of his coaches that if Adam had had even a small amount of actual talent, he probably could have been an Olympic Champion.
Part IV- Adam meets the Knausser.
The years of training finally paid off.
Adam became good enough to swim on the Division III, Georgia College Aquatic Devil Ray swim team.
It was here in which his life would intersect with that of the man that Adam would grow to both love and hate: “The Knausser.”
At six foot, two hundred twenty pounds of rock hard muscle and power, The Knausser had always been a natural athlete and stunning physical specimen.
A notorious hellraiser, his violent temper had actually gotten him thrown out of a number of private schools.
Three years ago, he had gotten himself kicked off the football team for ripping a player’s helmet off and beating him unconscious.
The first time Adam laid eyes upon Richard Coker Knauss, it was as if he saw a vision of everything he had ever wanted to become.
Adam, began to affectionately refer to Richard as “The Knausser,” sometimes “Dick Cock,” and wanted to spend all his time with him.
In general, Adam had a very odd relationship with Knauss. It was almost as if Adam had a crush on the man, the way he would of done anything for him and thought about him all the time when they weren’t together.
Knauss put up with Adam, like one would a younger brother. Knauss had to admit he admired the kid’s guts. When Adam would start to chastise him for slacking off, Knauss would usually respond by twisting his arm to the point of shattering or putting him in a devastating headlock that would quickly render him speechless, but would eventually feel guilty and give Adam a comforting slap on the back.
With an athlete of the Knausser’s capabilities, the somewhat limited Devil Rays became a perennial national contender, at least in terms of the sprint freestyles, battling Division III powerhouses like Denison, Emory and John Hopkins.
Despite the prodigious talents of the Knausser, the team remained always just out of reach of the dreaded Lords of Kenyon College, the most dominant program in NCAA history.
V-The Legend of Kenyon
The Kenyon College Lords had won an unprecedented 24 straight national titles, which is a record for any sport on any level, in any division, in any country in NCAA competition.
Every year, the Lords would travel to Athens to engage in a fairly lopsided duel meet against the Georgia College Aquatic Devil Rays.
The most memorable meet of Adam’s career occurred his freshman year in 2002. The contest drew a rather raucous assortment of drunken fans because it featured a fraternity belly-flop contest instead of the usual diving between swimming events.
The 200 freestyle relay approached, which was Georgia’s best shot of winning a race, thus avoiding a sweep by the heavily favored Lords. The drunken crowd was whipped into an absolute frenzy.
Although Knauss was one of the most talented Division III swimmers of the last decade, he would always be overshadowed by Ricardo Guerro Huanez.
At a freakish 6 foot 9 inches tall, Ricardo was the former Spanish National Champion, who had allegedly been lured to Kenyon with promises of diamonds, women and financial security from the wealthy and prolific network of Kenyon swimming alumni.
After a furious competition, with both teams shedding copious amounts of blood, sweat and tears, in a spirited fight for supremacy, the relay would come down to the anchor leg, pitting Ricardo against The Knausser.
As the two men stood on the blocks, Ricardo turned and spit into the Knausser’s lane and proceeded to let Knauss gain a small advantage, before diving in, passing him and beating The Devil Rays by only 6 one hundreds of a second.
Heated words were exchanged after the race. Legend has it that Knauss’ mother was actually called, “a whoring son of goat.” This exchange, nearly resulted in a brawl, before the two were pulled apart.
Knauss made up his mind on that day, that he would get his revenge on Ricardo by taking Georgia to nationals and defeating Kenyon on the highest stage. Adam would have given his right arm to be at Knausser’s side, but had not been allowed to swim, because he was so low on the roster.
When Knausser declared his intentions, Adam knew they were going to be united in a quest for glory, spending all day together running, swimming, lifting, chopping wood and stretching while spending all night exchanging their most intimate athletic stories, hopes and dreams.
Adam would work his way up to the ‘A’ 400 freestyle relay, he and the Knausser would win nationals and he would finally discover the word he called redemption which would deliver him peace from every insecurity and problem he had.
The first step to completing this journey would be filling the huge void of athletic competitions during the three months at the end of the year when swimming was over.
They would stay sharp by competing in various games, matches and sports on the intramural level. Adam had plotted out a detailed schedule that managed to keep them busy on every day except for two Thursdays in mid-April.
Together they would form an intramural team and call themselves “The Ultimate Champions” and dominate every event.
Part V: The Beta Empire.
All Adam’s dreams were shattered like a porcelain toilet thrown from a fraternity house porch, when the hard-partying Knauss decided to pledge with the mysterious force of darkness that was the Beta fraternity, who would never consider letting a small-boned man like Adam join.
The Betas were the guys who would make more articulate, literate types cross the streets. They had no use for the nature except for raw consumption. The had no use for women except for sexual objects. They had no use for objects except destruction. Hell was their champion. Pain was their game. They were very militant and had a reputation for vandalizing property, destroying lives, breaking spirits and crushing anyone who wasn’t just like them.
Their pledging assignments often involved setting a rabid dog on fire, taking overweight girls on dates and humiliating them in public or throwing Freshman in empty pools with starving boars so the two could battle to the death.
Adam once worked up the nerve to go into their house, but was forced out within 30 minutes after people continued to dump beers on his head, spit on his shoes and laugh in his face.
But they all loved The Knausser and the two became inseparable.
Shut out from The Knausser’s company, Adam did they only thing he could, he assembled his own elite team in order to take victory.
Part VI: Intramural Domination.
So fanatical was Adam’s desire to win, that the off-season became an even more grueling competitive time than swim season, in which he would pull together the motley crew of Travis, Fletch, Dr. Nick, Steve, Walker and John in an attempt to defeat the awesome power of the Betas and their “Strike Force” intramural teams.
It was not uncommon for Fletch or Steve to come in from a late night and find Adam fanatically jumping rope, fasting or shaking on the floor from a near lethal dosage of pills and powders.
Adam’s diet was rumored to be very, very extreme in its high percentage of vitamins, minerals and chemicals. Adam used to say that neon green feces was simply the price of glory.
This glory would be hard to come by, as no one on Team Wes Mantooth, especially Steve, seemed to care about the games whatsoever.
Walker and Fletch had respectable amounts of athletic talent, but Walker’s moods would range from apathy to blind rage, neither which was very helpful and Fletch would be constantly distracted by whatever females that came within 200 yards of the game.
Steve was always devastated on Saturday mornings for obvious reasons and Travis and John had little to no athletic talent at all.
The epic first match between Knausser with his legions of bloodthirsty Betas and Adam with his hastily assembled Team Wes Mantooth squad would not be pretty.
As would happen so many times in the future, The Betas would rule in ruthless and often brutal fashion.
Busted knees, bruised ribs, cracked teeth, wedgies, broken toes, severed appendages- there was no limit to their cruelty. The Knausser played like a man possessed, showing no hesitation before trampling over Adam on several occasions, one time going so far as to put him in in the figure-four leglock and repeatedly assault his testicles with a rusty pipe.
To further torment Adam, The Betas would deliberately sandbag most of the game, letting Team Wes Mantooth get within one point of winning and then crush them on the final point. Knauss knew this would result in hundreds of hours of training and anguish.
Instead of the traditional post game handshake, the Betas systematically rubbed Team Wes Mantooth’s faces in the dirt, taking extra delight in grinding mud into the eyes of Travis Carter.
Adam’s prized frisbee had at some point during the game been defaced and now read “You Are Gay and like to suck balls.”
From that day on, Knauss went from a teammate to an adversary. Now there were two ways in which Adam could redeem himself: defeating The Kenyon Lords and defeating The Beta Strike Force.
VII- Shattered Dreams.
By Senior year, Adam had converted his room into a virtual shrine, dedicated to the glories of the Beta Strike Force and the Kenyon swim team, by plastering newspaper, magazine and internet articles from wall to wall, ceiling to ceiling and floor to floor, featuring every intramural event, race or contest that the two teams won in order to ensure proper focus and motivation.
During the season, the obsession with the swim team, would lead Adam to shave his head and paint his face red in a ritualistic fashion, traveling to nationals each year as a spectator.
The Aquatic Devil Ray’s would battle the Kenyon Lords in the finals of the 400 free relay. When Knausser would dive in for the anchor leg, battling neck and neck with Ricardo and the hated Kenyon Lords, Adam’s face would resemble the color of a fire truck, his eyes wide as the sun, screaming as if he was watching his parents getting slaughtered before his eyes.
But each year, Adam would witness the Devil Ray’s defeat in increasingly devastating fashion, which would cause Adam to fall to the ground and punch the floor in misery until his hands were swollen and bloody.
After losses, he would often console himself by baking brownies, eating them on the swing, wearing nothing but boxers.
Three years went by, all resulting in narrow Kenyon victories. It seemed that whatever the Aquatic Devil Rays did, Kenyon could do slightly better.
Senior year, after a lifetime of dedicated training, Adam was finally able to earn a spot on the A relay after “Slim” Jim Russo, was kicked off the team for sleeping with the Coach’s 16 year old daughter.
Along with freshman sensations Ben Parker and Steve Dalchuck, Georgia College went straight to the top of the Division III nationals in the sprint relays. But as had happened for so many years before, they would come up a tenth of a second short against their arch-nemesis Kenyon, with Ricardo looking especially smug.
Knausser, Ben and Steve were admittedly upset after the loss, however Adam began sobbing uncontrollably, wailing as snot began to flow freely from his nose.
Several hours later as Adam continued trying to hug Knausser, screaming, “I’m sorry. I love you. I’m sorry!” Knauss grew tired of Adam’s whining and beat the crap out of him outside the hotel.
The first few weeks after nationals, Adam did not leave his room. He would urinate in jars and watch footage of the race over and over, stroking his mangled beard with his grotesque talons.
Slowly he realized that now his only chance for redemption, lay in the intramural games. One late night, John, Walker and Steve, were interrupted from watching Baywatch by a disheveled Adam who threw open the door and began screaming.
As the pungent smell of urine engulfed them, Adam was heard to say, “Ahhhmmuyokn! We’re winners! Houuuuahhhuu, damnit! The Betas are gonna eat fecal matter! Urrrrroaahg, yes!!!” And ran sprinting into the night. It was go time.
VI: The Final Countdown.
Intramural Ping pong, Jenga, Kickball, Dodgeball, Baseball Stickball, Ball-ball, Beer pong, Hopscotch, Uno, Four-square, Badminton- The Betas were still able to dominate Team Mantooth in every event.
Late in the year, Adam was stuffing his face in order to reach his ideal weight of 168 pounds for the official Bocee Ball competition.
Because it was Thursday, Adam was eating what he liked to call his patented “meat salad.” A meat salad would consist of nearly every type of meat in the cafeteria, including nuggets, ham, chicken, beef and cold cuts, tossed with cheese, eggs, Italian dressing and ground-up creatin.
While reaching for his “Franco” protein shake, Adam was presented with an un-expectant additional competitive outlet, when Knauss hit him in the back of the head and began mocking his efforts. Adam stood up and immediately challenged him to a competition.
Although Knausser had much better things to do than engage in eating contests with Adam, he could never back down from a challenge, especially one from such a feeble physical specimen. The simple act of beating others and inflicting pain continued to give The Knausser great pleasure.
The two consumed nearly everything from hot-dogs to bowels of jello, baked beans to waffles, and creamed corn to fried okra- all of which led up to Adam’s high profile defeat in the infamous chicken nugget eating contest.
As if things weren’t bad enough, two days later, as they had done so many times before, The Betas would defeat Team Mantooth on the very last point of the game in the intramural Ultimate Frisbee championship game.
Every fight, competition, race and challenge throughout Adam’s life had ended in defeat. Every challenge except for one.
It soon became evident, that The Gallon Challenge would be his absolute last chance at redemption.
As always, there was no training too intense, no mountain too large, no ocean too wide, no stone too hard, no kitchen too hot and no dream too large for Adam’s heart to conquer, because deep down, the little boy with the two, tiny metal braces, would never stop fighting his way out of the darkness.
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| "We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide, then question the manner in which I provide it." |
- Jack Nicholson
A Few Good Men
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Distributed Beers
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| 5 |
Sierra Nevada Bigfoot |
| 4 |
Guinness Draught |
| 3 |
Newcastle Brown Ale |
| 2 |
Bass Pale Ale |
| 1 |
Samuel Adams Boston Lager |
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