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My Dad asked me if I had met anybody while I've been going to the gym. I've come to grips with the fact that I'm not going to meet anybody at LA Fitness, for two
reasons. 1: I'm out of breathe 96-99 percent of the time that I'm in the gym, depending on the distance from the front door to the particular machine that I'm working on that day. It's hard to talk to someone when you can't breath. 2: I'm not going to impress
anybody while I'm there. No one is going to say to themselves, "Hey, I want to meet the guy struggling with the bar over there," or "The guy taking a nap on the leg extension looks interesting," or "I have to talk to the guy that just ran 10 minutes, then passed
out." Back to my neurosis, I think I’ve come up with a great product to help out people like me. I could develop free weights in which all of the different sizes would look the like the same size. So, to the naked eye, a dude bench pressing 150 pounds could
look just like he’s putting up the same amount of weight as the guy next to him that’s putting up 350. It’s genius. I’ll tell, these would sell like hotcakes.
Speaking of hotcakes, why are they the standard for something that sells well? I can think of a million things that are moved more frequently than hotcakes. I can’t remember ever buying hotcakes in my life. How about making the simile something that everyone has
bought, and buys often, like toothpaste? I guarantee more people have toothpaste in their house than hotcakes. At least, they should. I have to assume that someone from McDonald’s started this stupid idiom.
Speaking of McDonald’s, I saw the documentary "Super Size Me" the other day. In case you haven't heard, this is a documentary where a guy decides to go on an All-McDonalds diet for 30 days (breakfast, lunch, and dinner) to show the damaging effects of the food. It
was pretty eye opening. In fact, I saw it about a month ago, and since then I have done my best to ward off all fast food completely. That means no more spicy chicken sandwiches from Wendy's, a food that made up about 40% of my lunch and dinners for a good part of
my life. That's right, no more of the delicious, seasoned to perfection, tender and juicy chicken breast with lettuce and tomato and mayonnaise with a side of their mouthwatering Biggie, no Great Biggie Fries...hold on one second. I'll be right back. Okay, I'm back. Like I said, I've at least cut down on my Spicy Chicken intake. It's definitely an uphill battle.
Speaking of battles, ESPN has run a show the last tw years called "Dream Job" where aspiring Sports Anchors can get an opportunity to show off their skills and
possibly become an ESPN anchor. This season, to mix it up, all of the contestants are former NBA players vying for jobs as NBA analysts. This kind of defeats the purpose of "Dream Job." It's supposed to be for people that have dreamed of being anchors and have worked really hard to get to a point where all they need is a shot at it. These guys never dreamed of being anchors. They dreamed of being professional basketball players. At this point, being an anchor is just something you have to fall back on because no team will sign you and you need some money 'cause your child support payments are really piling up. I kid (no pun intended). I just don't buy into this show.
Speaking of buying, I bought a new cell phone recently (worst segue). I purchased a camera phone, because apparently cell phones without picture taking capability are about as archaic as an 8-track player. At least that's what the guy at Cingular made me feel
like. I still haven't been in a situation where I can put this feature to use. I can't wait until the moment where I'm at a party taking a picture with my camera phone of some dude's expensive fish tank when all of a sudden another guy falls into the fish tank and
shatters it into a million pieces, prompting the owner of the tank to say to me, "Oh no. My insurance is never going to believe this," to which I will turn around with a smug grin on my face and say, "Oh, I think he will," as I show the owner the crystal clear snapshot that I just happened to be taking when the accident happened. I'm not sure if this will ever
happen, seeing as I don't really know that many people with really expensive fish tanks. Speaking of cell phones, have you noticed that most people who have personalized ringtones seem very embarrassed by them when they go off in public? They rush to answer the phone so that no one realizes that they're closet Usher fans. I've had a tough time finding the perfect ringtone for my new phone. On my last phone, I hit the jackpot with the opening riff to "Sweet Child of Mine." I settled on "Sweet Child" after going a couple
months with Ludacris' "Rollout" as my tone. It seemed like a pretty cool song at first and it was when I was by myself or with some close friends, but it wasn't as cool when I was at the Dekalb County Courthouse waiting to pay an expired tag ticket. That might have
been the whitest moment of my young life. Anyway, Cingular now doesn’t offer the opening riff of “Sweet Child of Mine” as a ringtone option. They only have
the chorus as an option. The chorus? How lame is that? I guess if you have one of those phones that let’s you program different ringtones for different people, and you actually have a sweet child of yours, that might be kinda sweet. And by “sweet” I mean
incredibly cheesy and lame and deserving of a punch in the face. But, if you don’t have the option of selective tones, it’s kind of disheartening to hear
Axl Rose screaming “Oh, oh oh oh sweet child of mi-yine,” and you see that it’s your cousin calling you, unless you’re from Kentucky. Anyway, all I’m saying is not having a ringtone that is simply the opening rif of “Sweet Child of Mine” is a tragedy.
Speaking of tragedies, a couple of music tragedies have occurred to me over the past couple of months and I have had a tough time getting sympathy from anyone in regards to them. I think it might be because of the names of the people involved. The first happened a couple of weeks ago, when the Korn guitarist who goes by the moniker of Head decided to leave Korn to pursue a solo career and because he found religion. Apparently Korn was not spiritual enough for him. As most of you might know, Korn has been one of my favorite bands for awhile now, so this was kind of a blow. But, when it happened, I didn't get a lot of\ sympathy. When someone asks, "What's the matter?" and you respond "Head left Korn" or "Korn lost Head," you don't usually get a shoulder to cry on. You usually get a few weird looks and a couple of phone numbers for therapists. The other tragedy would have been one of the biggest tragedies in music in recent memory if the victim would have had a respectable name. The\ incident in question was when ex-Pantera guitarist Dimebag was shot on stage during a concert by a crazed fan. That's right, the man went by the name of Dimebag. Most people when they hear that someone named Dimebag was killed would respond with something like, "Well, maybe the world's better off with fewer Dimebags." Well, I’m here to say that the music industry would be better off with more Heads and more Dimebags. Geez, that sounds bad. Why can’t they just go with their God-given names?!
Speaking of musical tragedies, when is Ashlee Simpson just going to give up and dedicate herself solely to being a spokesperson for Acid Reflux disease awareness? She’s basically doing that now, but I think she could be a lot more effective as a spokesperson if should would just drop everything else and concentrate fully on educating the world about
acid reflux, instead of splitting up her time between being an awful singer and a spokesperson. Okay, so the Ashlee Simpson Show is one of those shows that I never intend to watch, but I can’t turn away if I happen to pass it while flipping through the channels. Ashlee seems to blame a lot of mishaps on her recurring acid reflux disease. “I sounded terrible at my first concert because of my acid reflux,” “I couldn’t sing on Saturday Night Live because of my reflux of acid,” “I dyed my hair black ‘cause it goes better with acid reflux.” For all of you out there that are not in show business like myself, I’ll fill you in on a little showbiz secret. “Acid reflux” is a showbiz term for “doesn’t have a shred of singing ability.” I’ll be the first to admit that I also have "acid reflux disease," but I’ve come to grips with the harsh reality of "acid reflux disease" and I’ve chosen not to sing. Ashlee, please join me and the million others that suffer from this "disease" and give it a rest. You’ll never see Ashlee on my IPod, that’s all I’m saying.
Speaking of the IPod, I'm very confused by this new IPod Shuffle that has come out in the last few months. In case you don't know, the IPod shuffle is a portable MP3 player that can play about 250 songs, but it only plays in shuffle mode, so you have no idea what the
next song will be at all times. The people at Macintosh had hit it big with the original IPod but they needed an inexpensive version of it so more people could afford them. The IPod Shuffle was their solution. I just don't get how the constant shuffle mode feature makes it less expensive. Adding a special feature to anything, you would think, would make it more expensive to manufactor, even if it's a feature that nobody really wants. They're marketing it with the slogan, "Life is random." This is true, but it's not really a positive quality of life that I want to focus on. Why not tag it, "In life, you don't always get what you want. Try the IPod Shuffle." Look for Mac's next venture called the IPod Backstreet. It holds 300 songs and only costs $14.95. The only catch is that every other song you play has to be a
Backstreet Boys song, and you can't skip them.
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| "We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide, then question the manner in which I provide it." |
- Jack Nicholson
A Few Good Men
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Distributed Beers
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| 5 |
Sierra Nevada Bigfoot |
| 4 |
Guinness Draught |
| 3 |
Newcastle Brown Ale |
| 2 |
Bass Pale Ale |
| 1 |
Samuel Adams Boston Lager |
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