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| 5/6/2004 |
| Hellboy: Bring on Aquaman |
The best we've got?
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A Movie Review
by Wes Bennett
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After the incredibly depressing cinematic experience that was “Bobby Jones: Stroke of Genius,” I was pretty upset, remaining in the fetal position for several hours. Out of all the films that were out, how could I have been dumb enough to pick that one? I felt like the Detroit Pistons in the middle of the season when they realized they had picked Darko Milicic over Carmelo Anthony in the 2003 NBA draft.
On what was supposed to be my triumphant return trip to the cinema, I was determined to make the right choice. Looking through the paper, I immediately ruled out “Mean Girls, “13 Going on 30”, and “Laws of Attraction.” As much as I love to try new things, like waxing!, these films were obviously not designed to appeal to me as a 25 year-old male. Don’t get me wrong, I loved “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” but I will almost always enjoy a mediocre action film (“A Man Apart”) more than a mediocre romantic comedy (“My Best Friend’s Wedding”) or an overrated, art-film (“Whale Rider.”)
But I quickly learned that almost all the films I had not seen were terrible, at least according to the reviews they were getting on “yahoo movies” (which samples the reviews submitted by 14 of the country’s top critics).
“The Punisher” had an average grade of a C and got four Ds. Robert K. Elder of the Chicago Tribune, called the film “...an unbearably sluggish action movie...” That ruled out “The Punisher.”
“The Whole Ten Yards” received eight Ds and one F. Wesley Morris of the Boston Globe, described the film as “Worse than you can imagine.” Bruce Willis was out.
“Envy’s” average grade was a D+, receiving a whopping seven Ds. William Arnold of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer called it “disastrously unfunny.” While “Godsend” got an average grade of a C- with six Ds. James Berardinelli of ReelViews said “Godsend is godawful.”
I even considered seeing the Angelina Jolie thriller, “Taking Lives.” But the film was awarded four Ds with an average grade of a C. Mike Clark of USA Today said it was “..deadly dull.”
So by the process of elimination, “Hellboy” became the clear favorite with an average grade of a B-. That bastard Roger Ebert even gave it an A, claiming, “It's vibrating with energy, and you can sense the zeal and joy in its making.”
So this time I did my homework, and I was pretty sure that “Hellboy” was going to be a decent film. It is here where we begin our story. Wes Bennett is tricked into reviewing yet another sub-par film that just doesn’t do it for him.
“Hellboy” begins back in 1944, when Rasputin, the crazy Russian Monk, has joined forces with Hitler by building a portal leading directly to hell. The Allies foiled this scheme, but not before the baby Hellboy got through the gate.
When Hellboy is born he is not menacing in the least. He’s even kind of cute. Shouldn’t he be evil? At least as evil as the son in “Pet Cemetery” or the baby born from the infected mother in “Dawn of the Dead.” I mean he’s from the depths of hell!
One of the U.S. agents, Dr. Bloom (John Hurt) who is President Roosevelt's occult adviser, takes Hellboy to his New Jersey-based Bureau of Paranormal Research and raises him to become a superhero who battles various monsters and evildoers.
At age 60, Hellboy is a full-fledged demon in the form of a man, complete with fierce red skin, a tail, a giant armored glove, and two large stubs where he has filed down his horns.
Serving as role players on Hellboy’s team, are the intellectual, but weak, Abe Sapien, a mysterious amphibian fish-man, Liz Sherman (Selma Blair), a woman with a Drew Barrymore (in “Firestarter”) like ability to start fires and John Myers (Rupert Evans), a young FBI recruit whose job is to baby-sit Hellboy and replace Dr. Bloom in the sequels.
Complications arise when the mysterious Russian Priest Rasputin (Karel Roden) arrives in present day New York, after he is revived by the Nazis, to bring about the Apocalypse by unleashing many computer animated creatures.
My first problem with the film is that a lots of the plot seems overly familiar: the paranormal-chasing Nazis (“Raiders of the Lost Ark”, New York subway chases (“Die Hard III”), heavy-handed Christ symbolism (“The Sixth Day”) and those slimy, multi-tentacled monsters (“Alien”).
I did like that Rasputin was the main antagonist. I think he should be used more often. The Russian priest had mysterious powers and above all was almost impossible to kill. We are still not sure how he died -he was shot, stabbed, poisoned and drowned. He had a Jason Vorhee’s-like ability to remain alive. I’m sure he would be happy to know that 88 years after his death, he is in a comic book adaptation, where is trying to end the world. History has truly smiled on him.
As Hellboy, Ron Pearlman has been getting solid reviews. On the “yahoo movies” page, Pearlman is described as having been “a profoundly-unhandsome youth.” Yeah, I’ll admit he’s un ugly guy, having had most of his success when hidden by mounds of make-up, like in the 1980’s TV show “Beauty and the Beast.” But do they really have to point that out in his bio? I could ascertain that he wasn’t exactly Brad Pitt by looking at the picture that was conveniently located there.
Director Guillermo Del Toro did “Blade II”, which I thought was far inferior to the original, but to his credit, the action sequences are good looking, as are the special effects and make-up.
“Hellboy” is at it’s worst when it tries to be funny. Characters attempting to be humorous in action films have always bothered me. Did I like it when Arnold said, “Let off some steam Bennett”, before plunging a giant metal pole into a man’s chest in “Commando?” Of course. But instances of brilliance such as these are few and far between. The effect the attempted wit has on “Hellboy,” is to eliminate what little suspense there is because Hellboy is fearless and virtually indestructible. On one hand its pretty badass, but on the other, it cuts down on dramatic tension. Hellboy disposes of the final creature, without ever breaking a sweat or even appearing worried.
The movie is getting praised because it is much more creative and entertaining than your average “Hulk” or “X Men” comic adaptations. This may be true, but I feel strongly that the comic strip movies gotten out of control. Was “Daredevil” not one of the lamest heroes ever? What’s next, is “Aqua-Man” starring Scott Bakula going to get the greenlight?
While “Hellboy” wasn’t all that bad, its sad that this is the best we have. Is art dead? Thank God for NBA playoffs, coupled with TiVo and Charles Barkley’s laissez faire commentary on TNT’s Inside Stuff.
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| "We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide, then question the manner in which I provide it." |
- Jack Nicholson
A Few Good Men
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Distributed Beers
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| 5 |
Sierra Nevada Bigfoot |
| 4 |
Guinness Draught |
| 3 |
Newcastle Brown Ale |
| 2 |
Bass Pale Ale |
| 1 |
Samuel Adams Boston Lager |
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