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| Gigli |
| Genre |
Romantic Comedy |
| Starring |
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez |
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In the past 100 years, there have been a handful of works of art such as “Birth of A Nation”, “Sgt. Pepper’s", and “Citizen Kane” that have revolutionized popular culture.
It is said that great art can shed light on our own existence and help us to see the world in a clearer light. They provide inspiration and guidance as to what the essence of life is truly all about.
They transform day to day living, inner life and outer life, dream and actuality into a poem whose rhyme scheme is events rather than words. A symphonic unity, which structure setting, character, genre and idea meld seamlessly.
“Gigli” accomplishes none of this. It does feature the incredibly talented couple of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. (You can also call her J-Lo, but don’t make the mistake of being fooled by the rocks that she got).
There lies so much potential in this couple. Ben Affleck (“Pearl Habor”) is a veteran of the romantic comedy genre with “Forces of Nature” and “Bounce.” Affleck is also an Oscar winner. (You know that director named Martin Scorsese? He’s not an Oscar winner). He also owns that insurance company with the Duck in those commercials. He must really be able to pick the good scripts, since he “co-wrote” “Good Will Hunting”. It’s good to know that he’s in charge of Project Greenlight.
Lopez has conquered similar territory with the duel tour de force efforts of “Maid in Manhattan” and “The Wedding Planner”. Lopez is also an incredible musician with the pop mega hits “I’m Real” and “My Love Don’t Cost A Thing.”
(Remember in “City Slickers” when Billy Crystal asks what they serve for dinner and the cook replies, “It’s hot, it’s brown and there’s lots of it”? For some reason I always think of that when I see Jennifer Lopez’s ass).
Their collaboration brings to my such legendary pairings as Lennon-McCarthy in The Beatles, when Hemmingway and Picasso created the rubix cube or at least Ozzy Osbourne and Lita Ford in their 1986 power-ballad duet “If I close my eyes forever.”
We, as a society, can only collectively hold our breathes until they conceive a child, because I am confident that their offspring will no doubt find the cure for cancer, prove the existence of God, or at least be able to beat Super Mario Brothers without warping levels.
Oh the movie, right, Larry Gigli (Affleck) is a dim witted mob enforcer with a name that rhymes with really. His new assignment is to kidnap the retarded brother of a federal judge so they can blackmail him.
The brother, Brian (Justin Bartha), is a brain-damaged kid i.e. an irritating moron. He talks about “The Baywatch”, like Dustin Hoffman in "RainMan" talked about K-Mart and Judge Wapner.
Gigli takes Brian to his apartment for safekeeping. That's when Ricki (Lopez) shows up. She's a beautiful hit woman who’s been sent to watch over Gigli in case something goes wrong. Which has got to be the feeblest excuse for a plot ever. (But, then, things get worse....)
As far back as, I don’t know 1974, romantic comedies have needed obstacles to work. (Think “Sleepless in Seattle” or “Cobra”). The roadblock in "Gigli" is that Ricki is a lesbian and even a stallion like Gigli may not be able to tempt her. Yeah that’s it. Oh and they have to watch the retard too.
What went wrong? One could blame the feeble dialogue, the over zealous soundtrack, (sentimental violins play on the soundtrack. when Gigli refers to his purple-headed warrior, while soulful acoustic guitar is heard when the half-wit talks about being lonely), the overly long length of all the scenes, the mix of vulgarity and cheap sentiment, the almost nonexistent story, the resounding miscasting of Ben Affleck as a tough guy, or the shitty writing? No I think it was because there was no midget, same problem as “The Hours.”
When Ricki finally succumbs to Gigli’s thuggish charm she does so by spreading her legs and in a sly reference to oral sex, tells Gigli, to "gobble-gobble." I’m not making this stuff up. (When I think about it, I would still pleasure Lopez no matter how she asked me, but it still seems a little demeaning).
Two bright spots are the guest appearances by Al Pacino as the mob boss from New York who quickly transforms from the zany gay boss to the “I don’t give a fuck” vicious killer boss. (It helps when he splatters someone’s brain on the wall). Christopher Walken also drops by, but I don’t think it had anything to do with the plot.
Lopez manages to have a decent scene where she responds to Gigli’s assertion that the penis is the more attractive genitalia than the vagina while doing some sort of erotic exercise. She is dressed in revealing workout attire, doing yoga, seductively stretching and extending while she talks. Yes of course J-Lo is able to sell me on why the vagina is more attractive than the penis. Sorry Ben.
The film cost 50 million dollars. It made less than 4 in it’s debut. Think about that for a second, if you had 50 Million dollars and all you could get for it is “Gigli”. What a massive waste. When I think about all the talented people waiting tables and all the great scripts lying in an office gathering dust in L.A., it’s enough to make me upset.
“Gigli” is in the same class as “Dumb and Dumberer.” If you could come up with some kind of a crazy drinking game to play to it, or if you had a girlfriend who was pleasuring you orally throughout the entire presentation then I would recommend it, maybe. If not (D-, D).
P.S. Roger Ebert wrote, “It is so rare to find dialogue of such originality and wit, so well written.” He then gave the film a B-
Roger, please do us all a favor: set your hair on fire and drive yourself into a lake. |
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| "We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide, then question the manner in which I provide it." |
- Jack Nicholson
A Few Good Men
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Distributed Beers
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| 5 |
Sierra Nevada Bigfoot |
| 4 |
Guinness Draught |
| 3 |
Newcastle Brown Ale |
| 2 |
Bass Pale Ale |
| 1 |
Samuel Adams Boston Lager |
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